Daily lives of the deities
by War Dragon 909
Summary: This is about the lives of the Daedra, the Divines, and the other deities as they try to do mortal actives like Facebook or watch movie, like Twilight. Rated M for swearing and some sexual theme, blame Sanguine and Molag.
1. Chapter 1

**I just had this weird thought go through my head and I couldn't help but share it with you guys! So I give to you this one-shot!**

**Yes I know I should be updating my other stories but I suffer from a severe case of laziness and writer's block.**

* * *

"Hey Harry and Molly," Sheogorath yelled. The Daedric prince had a huge grin on his face as he walked up to the Lord of the hunt and the Lord of Domination.

"Who's Harry?" Hircine asked confused.

The Mad god gave him an even wider smile.

"You, you silly wolf boy!" Sheogorath said.

The father of werewolves raised a brow from underneath his deer skull. Hircine wasn't about to question why the Mad god gave him this strange nickname, but how did he connect Harry with Hircine?

Molag Bal only gave Sheogorath a snarl and crossed his arms.

"What's wrong Molly?" The Mad god asked.

"Don't call me Molly!" The father of vampires snapped. "I've told you millions of times!"

The Prince of Madness brushed the outburst off. The Mad god lifted his arms to reveal a movie in his hands.

"What is 'Twilight?" Hircine asked reading the name off the cover.

"It's a movie about mortals, vampires and werewolves. I watched it last night and thought you two should see it!" Sheogorath stated, he shoved the case into Molag Bal's hands and stood back. "Well I have to go to this class thing now, ta-ta!" He then disappear in a cloud of purple smoke.

Molag looked down at the case.

"I have a TV we could watch it on," Bal stated.

"Blue ray?" Hircine asked.

"Yes," The Prince of Domination answered.

"Fine, but we're having popcorn!" Hircine stated.

The movie was up to the bit in the forest were Edward was going to reveal his secret.

"Come on, drink her blood," Bal stated with a mouth full of popcorn.

When Edward stepped back into the sun and start glowing Hircine spat his popcorn out and started laughing.

Molag Bal's reaction was much different. Bal was quiet for ten seconds and then…

Bal started chocking on his popcorn, he hit his chest trying to get the popcorn down. When he finally stopped chocking he was still in shock.

"So glittery!" Hircine wheezed out from laughter.

"What the fuck?!" Molag Bal yelled. "Why?! How?! Why is he shiny?!" He was flabbergasted by the situation.

Hircine finally calmed down and continued eating popcorn.

"By Talos, that made my week," Hircine stated.

"Sheogorath is so dead," Molag growled.

"You can kill him after the movie," Hircine said, he was liking this movie.

Bal sat back down on the other coach and tried to not kill the TV.

Later on the first werewolf transformation happened, this time it was Molag's time to laugh. Hircine sat there quietly and continued eating. Molag soon felt a whoosh of air past him, before he knew it the TV had a spear through it.

"I don't like this movie anymore," Hircine stated calmly. The Prince of the hunt then shifted in his seat to grab the bucket of popcorn. "By the way, what type of butter did you use in this popcorn?"

Bal was still chuckling from how the werewolves look.

"Let's just say that animals aren't the only ones that make milk," Molag chuckled.

Hircine stopped chewing the popcorn for a brief second, he then shrugged and continued eating.

"Also, why aren't your minions wearing shirts? It does look cold there," Molag joked.

"Why does your minions look like fags and are shiny in the sun?" The father of werewolves snapped.

"Touché.." Bal said.

* * *

Mehrunes never understood why these things were made, but he was doing it never the less. When he entered the room he was greeted by the sight of Malacath.

Dagon took a seat and waited for the therapist. A cloud of purple smoke consumed a chair in front of them and when it vanished Sheogorath was sitting there. Malacath sighed as Dagon glare at the mad god.

"Sheogorath? No! You can't be the therapist!" Dagon yelled, he denied the fact that Sheogorath was going to be the person he does therapy with.

"That's Professor Sheogorath to you, Daggy!" The "Professor" stated.

"Fine, _Professor_," Dagon said venomously.

"See, that wasn't so hard! Now onto the questions!" The Mad god grabbed a pair of gold glasses and put them on, he then clicked his fingers and a clip board with some paper appear on his lap.

Malacath felt that it wasn't about to end well for neither him nor Dagon, and if Sheo took it too far it wouldn't end well for him either.

"First question, why brings you here?" Sheogorath asked.

"Murder," Malacath and Dagon said in union.

"Ah, but who did you murder?" Sheogorath asked in a creepily gleeful voice.

"Some of my orcs," Malacath stated.

"Some of my cultist, but I'm starting to wish it was you," Mehrunes growled.

"No need to be violet," Sheo said. "Why did you do it though?"

"I don't know, why am I in anger management?" Dagon asked sarcastically.

"I don't know, why are you?" The Mad god asked.

Dagon gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.

"That was a sarcastic question," Dagon explained.

"Really? I can never tell when people are, there was this one mortal I met- what was his name? Jared, Luke, Richard- whatever! Now he was sarcastic! Too bad I killed him and skipped with his intestines, but he-"

"Guess ask the next question!" Dagon cut in.

"How rude! I was in the middle of tell a story! What was I saying? Great, now I forgot!" Sheo then looked down at his clip board. "What caused this outburst?"

"Their chieftain was weak," Malacath answered.

"I don't know," Dagon answered, he crossed his four arms over his chest and let out a huff sound.

"Was that sarcastic?" Sheo asked.

"No!" The Prince of Destruction yelled.

"Jess, no need to yell," Sheogorath said while clearing his ears. The Mad god then crossed his legs and looked back and the clip board. "Well, you two need to see a therapist about this."

Dagon nearly flipped out. "That's why I'm here! To see a therapist! Which turns out to be you!"

"Oh yeah, now I remember," Sheogorath stated. "Dagon, did your parents beat you when you were young?"

"What? We're god like beings, we don't have parents!" Dagon roared.

"Calm down, Daggy! I'm just read the question off this page, not my fault the paper doesn't know that!" Sheogorath then held the clip board to his face and stroked it. "Ignore the red troll, he's just jelly of our swag," The Mad god said to the clip board in a babyish tone.

Malacath would usually be as mad as Dagon right know but he was trying to keep out of the argument between the Prince of Madness and the Prince of Destruction.

"What?! What do you mean by 'jelly'?!" Dagon yelled.

"Jelly means jealous," Sheogorath explained.

"I'm not jealous of paper! OR YOUR SWAG!" The four armed Daedra roared.

"I'll be leaving," Malacath stated as he slowly walked backwards to the door.

"Great, now you've gone and scared the child!" The Mad god stated.

Mehrunes then jumped out of his seat and tackled Sheogorath off of his.

"I'll kill you!" Mehrunes yelled, he summoned his war axe and lifted it up. A cloud of purple smoke engulfed Sheogorath, Dagon dropped the axe splitting the smoke and revealing that the Mad god just got away.

Mehrunes Dagon roared in rage and then left to his realm not wanting to be there any longer.

* * *

Nocturnal was in one of Sanguine's pocket realms, this one seemed like a place he would hang for peace and quiet. She entered the modern day looking house and saw that Hermaeus Mora was also there.

"What do you want Sanguine?" She asked.

"Please sit down," He asked.

Nocturnal sat at the opposite end of the coach away from Mora.

"What do you want of us, Sanguine?" Mora asked.

Sanguine had a goofy smile and held up a blank movie case.

"What is it?" Nocturnal questioned, she really wanted to get this over with.

"I bought this movie and thought that you too would be the perfect pair of Daedra I wanted to watch it with, it's called 'Tentacle Hentia'," Sanguine answered.

"Why us? Why don't you watch it with Sheogorath, you two seem to love mortal movies, I understand why you want to watch it with Hermaeus, but why me?" Nocturnal asked.

"Sheo's busy with some stuff and seeing that no one else wants to watch it why not you two!" Sanguine explained. "So do you want to watch it or not?"

Mora sighs and Nocturnal shrugged. Sanguine then put the movie in and jumped into the space between them.

When the movie started it was all in Japanese, so they just read the subtitles. Soon the movie became creepy and Nocturnal than realized what she was watching.

Animated porn, tentacle porn.

Mora didn't seem fazed by it and Sanguine had the biggest grin on his face, but Nocturnal couldn't stand it.

"That's it, I'm leaving," She stated getting up.

"What? Why?" Sanguine questioned.

"You're having me watch mortal perversion, I won't stand for it." The Prince of night then teleported out of there.

Sanguine then looked at Mora.

"What do you think about it?" The smaller Daedra asked.

"I think its racist and the logic in how she's surviving this is outrageous," The large Prince answered.

"Whatever," Sanguine said, he then summoned a beer and continued watching it.

* * *

Barbas was waiting for his master on a comfy seat. When Clavicus finally came back he was accompanied by a parrot on his shoulder.

"Who's that, master?" The dog asked.

"What? Him, that's just Ginger, I got him from a deal I made with a mortal," Clavicus answered. "He even talks!"

"I sure do!" The parrot squawked.

"See? I love this bird, he doesn't talk too much," Clavicus stated, he then gave the parrot a bird treat.

"Thanks!" Ginger then whistled a little.

Barbas felt something at his chest from Clavicus and the bird bonding. The Daedric dog realized he was jealous.

"Well, a mortal is trying to summon me at the moment, I'll leave you two here, so behave!" Clavicus stated pointing a finger at Barbas.

When Clavicus teleported away Ginger and Barbas stared at each other for a sold two minutes.

"So you're Clavicus' new favourite?" Barbas asked bitterly.

"Yes faggot!" The bird chirped.

"What?" Barbas growled and then leaped at the bird.

The bird flew away and Barbas continues pursuing the bright red and blue bird. Barbas knockout over countless items when Ginger then landed on a high shelf.

Barbas barked madly at the bird when he heard something drop behind him. The Daedric canine turned his head to see Clavicus standing there glaring, the dropped item an ancient looking sword, something he probably got from the deal.

"BARBAS!" Clavicus roared.

Barbas dropped his head and waited for his punishment as the bird whistled in delight.

Barbas knew he was going to have to deal with the bird for a long time.

* * *

Talos was given a package, he didn't know how but it was sitting in his lap. The package had a card on it, so Talos grabbed it and started to read;

_Dear Talos,_

_You seem like you need to chill, so I managed to get you some Cocaine! (It cost a lot too!)_

_There is a straw in there because you have to sniff it!_

_Yours sincerely,_

_A friend._

_P.S Don't take too much, you'll regret it._

Talos hesitated for a minute, he had no idea what Cocaine was and had no idea about the effects of it. He then shrugged, he was a divine, right? It couldn't be that bad. He then opened up the package and saw that the stuff was white, he grabbed the straw and opened the stuff up. Putting the straw into his nose he then sniffed the stuff in.

Hours later.

Talos woke up in the middle of a desert half-naked with a sun burnt, covered in unknown fluids.

"I'm never doing that again," He groaned. He shifted his weight and noticed another letter, this one in a neon red envelope. Grabbing it, Talos opened it and read it;

_Dear Talos,_

_It's me again! You're probably wonder what's going on and where you are, so I'll tell you._

_You are in the middle of a desert in Elsweyr, I know this because I'm the one who put you there._

_I know, I know, you're probably furious right now and want me dead, but here's the story._

_Fuck you._

_Sincerely__,_

_A fr-enemy!_

"Motherfucker!" The Nordic god growled, he glared daggers at every single word. He couldn't wait to find who this mysterious person was.

* * *

**Review or Sheogorath will pummel you with cheese!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, writesout is the reason I turned this into a crack fic with more chapters, so thank him/her.**

**In this chapter, the House of Troubles and a few of the Divines will be playing monopoly, Sanguine spikes Hircine and Zenithar's drinks, they discover Facebook, and Professor Sheo is back with the God of Logic and the God of Knowledge as his victims!**

* * *

"I DAMAND TO BE THE TOP HAT!" Molag roared pounding his fists into the table.

"NO! I CALLED FIRST DIBS!" Mehrunes snapped, he roused from his chair to meet the Vampiric Daedra in the eyes.

"Just be the thimble, Molag," Akatosh suggested.

"NEVER!" the Vampiric Daedra screech.

"I want to be the cheese!" Sheogorath said.

"Um, there isn't any cheese tokens, you can be the Scottish terrier," Arkay said passing the piece to the Mad God. "I'll be the automobile." The God of Death and life then grabbed the said token.

Talos looked at the pieces and decided to pick up the battleship. "This'll do." Talos then place the piece next to his great sword.

"I WANT IT!" Molag Bal yelled, he tried to rip the token out of Dagon's hand as they fought.

"NO! I CALLED FIRST DIBS!" the Lord of Destruction yelled, he also tried to yank the top hat token out of Molag's claws.

"Fine! I'll be the top hat!" Kynareth then snatched the token out of their claws and returned to her seat. "There, now pick another piece!" she scowled.

"I DEMAND TO BE THE WHEELBARROW!" Molag proclaimed pounding his fists into the table again, he then grabbed the token and sat in his spot.

"I'll be the," Mehrunes then looked at the last piece and sighed. "I'll be the thimble."

Later on in the game, Sheogorath was winning and Talos was only bit behind him in money.

"I HATE THIS!" Mehrunes yelled. He had gotten the taxes cards and was nearly out of money.

"I also hate it! I have gone into the 'Jail' more than seven times!" Malacath agreed.

"I'm loving it!" Sheogorath almost sung.

"Calm down, it's not like you have anything better to do," Akatosh said. "No, Bal, that isn't better," the Dragon God added before Molag said anything.

"It had nothing to do with rape!" Molag Bal said.

"Ha!" Talos laughed.

"IT DIDN'T!" Molag protested.

"Sure," Talos said.

"FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"THIS GAME SUCKS!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU SUCK!"

"PUMPERNICKEL!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHEO!"

Akatosh, Arkay and Kynareth watched as the Daedra and the Nord yelled at each other.

"Let us go somewhere else," Akatosh whispered to them.

"Where?" Kynareth whispered back.

Arkay squeezed in between them and smiled.

"Any ideas?" Akatosh asked.

"I want to go to McDonald's," Arkay said innocently.

* * *

Julianos wanted into the pocket realm of Sanguine.

"How's my favourite Aedra?" the drunk asked.

"Fine, why you asked me here?" Zenithar asked.

"Can't I just get drunk with two of my favourite neutral deities?" Sanguine said acting hurt.

"Two?" Julianos said puzzled.

"Hi!" Hircine waved.

Sanguine then passed both of them a drink each.

"Drink, lets party!" Sanguine exclaimed.

An hour or two later, Sanguine was recording the now drunk Daedra of Man Beast.

"You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you," Hircine sang.

Zenithar then ran on stage and join him.

"Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave"

"I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you" They sang together.

"I wanna see you be brave!" Zenithar sang.

Sanguine was cackling at the scene.

"Oh my, they're going to kill you later," Azura said.

"Just let me post it on YouTube, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter first."

* * *

"Mortal, you will- hold on!" Molag Bal said. "Ha! They're so going to kill you!" The sound of buttons being press were heard in the abandoned house's tunnel. "Ignore! Why in Oblivion would I accept his friend request?"

"Um, sir?" the Dragonborn stuttered behind the spikey cage.

"Sorry! Where was I?"

"About what I have to do," the Dragonborn answered.

"That's it! Thanks," the Prince of Domination said.

* * *

"Sir, what are you doing?" Haskill asked.

"Updating my status- Ha! I just received a friend request from Jyggalag, ha! HA! HA!" Sheogorath laughed.

"Charming, my lord," Haskill said in his monotone voice. "Can you please take your feet off of the arm rest of your throne?"

"Why? It's not like- wait, I have a message," Sheogorath said.

"Sir, give me your phone!"

"No!"

"Now!"

"Never!" Sheogorath then ran away from his chamberlain.

"Give it to me, it's pasted your bed time!" Haskill stated, he then went after the Mad God.

* * *

"Look what Sanguine posted," Dibella giggled.

Akatosh walked over to Dibella and looked at the video on her phone.

"Julianos isn't going to be happy about this," Akatosh frowned.

"I have to see a video of that," Dibella chuckled.

* * *

"Hello," the Dragonborn said with Barbas next to him.

"Master!" Barbas greeted happily.

"Ignore, ignore, ignore, ugh, block," Clavicus Vile murmured.

"Argh! Again, really?" the Dragonborn groaned.

"What? Oh, it's you," Clavicus stated unhappily.

The Daedric shape shifter ran happily towards the statue and placed his front paws on it.

"Please, please, please, bring me back!" Barbas whimpered. "I've had several mortals trying to kill me for food, probably Hircine's lot," Barbas added in.

"Well you deserve it!" Clavicus said.

"You deserve it!" Ginger squawked.

The statue then seemed less magical.

"Is he gone?" the Dragonborn asked.

"Yes, he's got the stupid parrot," Barbas said with venom.

"Okay." The Dragonborn then left the cave leaving the talking dog alone.

* * *

"Damn this vile thing!" Mehrunes Dagon then crushed the IPhone 5 and threw it away. "I'm going to kill some of my cultist that piss me off."

* * *

"Um, why are we here?" Hermaeus asked.

"Anger issues classes, I think," Julianos said. "But I don't understand why we're here."

"Agreed," Mora stated.

A cloud of purple smoke then engulfed the chair in front of them. Hermaeus readied himself for the Epileptic seizure that the God of Logic is about to have.

"Hello! Now, why are you here, Lora Mora?" Sheogorath grinned.

"That is the most idiotic nickname I have ever heard, and I've had Miraak for years," Mora said crossing his tentacles.

"But that's how I show my undying love for you!" Sheogorath said, he faked a sad face and whimpered at the stern look he was given.

"I don't understand this," Julianos added in.

"Oh, it's my best friend, Julie!" Sheogorath then gave the God of Logic a hug.

"I don't understand this," Julianos repeated.

"So!" Sheogorath pulled away and sat in his chair. "Why you in anger management classes?" the Mad god asked.

"I don't understand this," Julianos repeated.

"We were teleported here, you should know this," Hermaeus said for them.

Julianos twitched a little and then quickly shot out of his chair.

"WHY AM I IN A PLACE I DON'T HAVE TO BE?! HOW DID YOU TELEPORT ME HERE?! IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE!? THAT MEANS MOLAG IS ABLE TO TELEPORT ON ME WHEN I'M TAKING A SHOWER! OR SNAGUINE CAN RECORED ME SING IN THE SHOWER AND POST IT ON EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA!" The God of Logic then collapsed into his chair and took deep breaths in and out.

"That was something," Sheogorath said.

"I agree with Julianos, how did you teleport us here?" the God of Knowledge asked.

"Um…"

While Hermaeus was reading a book, a shadowy figure sneaked up behind him and knocked him out. When the mass of tentacle hit the ground, the figure turned out to be Sheogorath with a shovel. The Mad God then grabbed the bigger Daedra and dragged him into a black van with a tied up Julianos.

"That's both of them," Sheogorath exclaimed, he then hopped into the van's passenger seat.

"Sir, I have no idea how you manage to make me do this with you," Haskill stated and he drove the car out of the realm by some logic defying way that would make Julianos' mouth foam up and give him a heart attack.

"I don't know," Sheogorath said with a guilty look.

Hermaeus gave him a stern look and then moved his gaze towards the Divine in the room.

"It's okay, let us leave this illogical place," Hermaeus said, he then left the room followed by the God of Logic.

"Yep… They just got shipped. Haskill!" Sheogorath yelled.

"Yes, sir?" Haskill said as he was summoned.

"Wrote in my journal 'Hernos'," Sheogorath said.

"Do you want it underneath you Nocturnal and Azura shipping, or on another page?" Haskill asked.

The Mad God shrugged.

"Surprise me."

* * *

**So how was it? What was your favourite part? Please write a review on what you think and have a go day/night!**


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